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Items tagged with: humor


 

Trump Offers Clear, Historical Precedent For Deploying U.S. Military With No Provocation


WASHINGTON—Providing a lengthy, comprehensive explanation of the factors influencing his decision to declare a national emergency that would send military funding and personnel to the nation’s southern border, President Donald Trump offered a clear, historical precedent Friday for deploying the U.S. military with no… Read more...

Read more at: https://politics.theonion.com/trump-offers-clear-historical-precedent-for-deploying-1832659857

#humor #satire #news #... show more

 

Mass Invasion Of Polar Bear Forces Russian Islands To Declare Emergency


After dozens of polar bears flooded into the Novaya Zemlya archipelago, local authorities have declared a state of emergency. Environmental experts in the region have arrived to sedate and remove the population. What do you think? Read more...

Read more at: https://www.theonion.com/mass-invasion-of-polar-bear-forces-russian-islands-to-d-1832662381

#humor #satire #news #theonion

 

#Bee: RBG resumes work at Supreme Court

Half-human, half-robot Justice enters Supreme Court, introduces self as Ruth Bader Gins-Borg





WASHINGTON, D.C.—Yesterday after the #UnitedStates #SupremeCourt opened and #justices began filing in, a half-robot, half-human with the face of #RuthBaderGinsburg entered wielding an arm cannon, body armor, enhanced retinal targeting,... show more

 

Climatologists Find Pitchers And Catchers Reporting Further South Every Spring


WASHINGTON—Warning that swift climate action was needed if local populations were to survive, a study released Friday by the EPA revealed an alarming trend of Major League Baseball pitchers and catchers reporting further south for spring training every year. “It wasn’t long ago that pitchers and catchers could be… Read more...

Read more at: https://sports.theonion.com/climatologists-find-pitchers-and-catchers-reporting-fur-1832655368

#humor #satire #news #... show more

 

El Chapo Given Life Sentence


Joaquín Guzmán Loera, the Mexican drug kingpin known as El Chapo, received a life sentence for criminal enterprises including decades of drug trafficking, bribery, and murder. What do you think? Read more...

Read more at: https://www.theonion.com/el-chapo-given-life-sentence-1832628398

#humor #satire #news #theonion

 

Meals On Wheels Volunteers Deliver Body Chocolate, Edible Underwear To Seniors Shut In On Valentine’s Day


COEUR D’ALENE, ID—In an effort to reach out to members of the community often forgotten on Valentine’s Day, local Meals on Wheels volunteers reportedly delivered hundreds of packages containing body chocolate, edible underwear, and other erotic treats to elderly shut-ins Thursday. “We’re making sure older folks who… Read more...

Read more at: https://www.theonion.com/meals-on-wheels-volunteers-deliver-body-chocolate-edib-1832630215

#humor #satire #news... show more

 

Annoying YouTube Algorithm Not Letting Man Forget Single Time He Watched 14 Hours Straight Of Hitler Speeches


HARTFORD, CT—Wishing he could return to browsing golf instructional videos in peace, local resident Brian O’Connell reportedly expressed irritation Thursday that an annoying YouTube algorithm was not letting him forget the single time he watched 14 straight hours of Hitler speeches. “It’s so aggravating, I mean, all I… Read more...

Read more at: https://www.theonion.com/annoying-youtube-algorithm-not-letting-man-forget-singl-1832630535

#humor #satire #news... show more

 

Elliott Abrams Defends War Crimes As Happening Back In The ’80s When Everyone Was Doing It


WASHINGTON—Explaining to the House Foreign Affairs Committee that it was a totally acceptable practice at the time, Elliott Abrams defended Wednesday the war crimes he committed in Latin America by pointing out that it was just something everyone was doing back in the ’80s. “You’ve got to understand that running… Read more...

Read more at: https://politics.theonion.com/elliott-abrams-defends-war-crimes-as-happening-back-in-1832632902

#humor #satire #news #... show more

 

The best Valentine's Day jokes I heard today


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Do you really want to surprise your girlfriend this day?
Introduce her to your wife!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

How to make money on Valentine's Day

February 13th > sell condoms
February 14th > sell flowers and chocolate
February 15th > sell emergency pills
March > sell pregnancy tests
November > sell diapers!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Some men are in such an economic crisis this year that they will have to spend Valentine's with their wives.

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After a romantic dinner:
"Now that we are talking, dear. Have you ever cheated on me?", she asked.
"Yes, dear, I am not proud of it but I did".
"Who was she?"
"Remember the assistant that you said was too beautiful?"
"Yes".
"Ok, well, that body was mine. Can you forgive me? That was years ago!"
"Yes, I can forgive you, dear. That was long ago. It doesn't matter now".
"Thank you, really. What about you? Have you ever cheated on me?"
"Yes, me too".
"Tell me about it... show more

 

Nation Celebrates Valentine’s Day


Today, millions of Americans will celebrate romance with chocolates, flowers, and other offerings of love. How will you celebrate Valentine’s Day? Read more...

Read more at: https://www.theonion.com/nation-celebrates-valentine-s-day-1832634022

#humor #satire #news #theonion

 
Hamburg Sounds huldigt Heinz Erhardt
https://www.ndr.de/fernsehen/sendungen/hamburg_journal/Hamburg-Sounds-huldigt-Heinz-Erhardt,hamj77808.html
#HamburgSounds #Musik #HeinzErhardt #Volkslieder #Gedichte #Humor #Jazz #Porträt #NDR #NorddeutscherRundfunk

 

Sighing Banksy Methodically Kills Another Few Kids Who Stumbled Upon Him Doing Graffiti


BRISTOL, ENGLAND—Dropping his spray paint in annoyance and grabbing a length of extension cord, the anonymous street artist Banksy methodically killed another few kids Thursday after they stumbled upon him painting the side of a building. “Aw, Christ, not again,” said the famed muralist, who casually wrapped the cord… Read more...

Read more at: https://www.theonion.com/sighing-banksy-methodically-kills-another-few-kids-who-1832626570

#humor #satire #news #... show more